


Hate List

by EBBAisGay



Series: Dear Evan Fanson(bad name I know) [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff, I suppose, Light Angst, M/M, Slow To Update, also no beta my dude, bc yES, dont mind the other DEH fic ive got going, i guess?, im jsut going to obviously post this, im posting this lighting fast, ok guys, sorry - Freeform, srry, thats it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-07-03 21:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15826938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EBBAisGay/pseuds/EBBAisGay
Summary: Evan has a list of things he hates about himself. Connor, without realizing, can maybe help Evan feel better about those things.





	1. Laughter

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you are reading this and you are also reading my group chat fic for this fandom as well then you know I haev to goddamn update. Will I do it now? No. Soon? Maybe. SOrry lmao
> 
> Enjoy!

Evan has a long list of things he hates about himself. From his appearance to his manners, it’s rather big. One of the things on that list is his laugh. It has always felt weird laughing after his dad left and it also sounded ugly to his own ears, the feelings multiplying by a thousand when Jared would make fun of him for it. And so he tries to not laugh at all. 

He would sometimes slip with a slight chuckle or a giggle, which then he would shut right up. The most mortifying moment was when he snorted once at Jared's place and Jared laughed so hard at that, that- ironically enough- Jared also snorted. But since then Evan hasn’t even chuckled at all.

Things started changing when Connor came into his life though(as they did). Their friendship is an unlikely one, two people that don’t belong together, but fit rather perfectly, have found a companionship like no other. It all started in the Computer Lab on the first day of their senior year, when Connor signed his cast and also added his number on it(Evan for a moment thought that he was asking him out but that was wistful thinking). After he gave him his letter, which he barely laid eyes upon, he said goodbye and left.

_‘I respect privacy Hansen.’ he replied when Evan asked him later into their friendship why he didn’t look his letter that day, rolling his eyes. ‘I’m not turning into fucking Larry.’. Evan never doubted Connor after that statement._

Evan was sure that Connor just made fun of him -even if he gave HIM HIS number(but you never know it could be a fake one and oh my God what if it was and it was just a big fucking joke at his expan- But after he sent him a quick **Hello, this is Evan!** (and him regretting the exclamation point immediately) Connor texted back with **wow im suprised that u actiually messaged me** and they quickly made a plan to hang out in the weekend at the apple orchard that has been closed for over a decade.

**Th-That’s illegal.**

**nice reference dude but yeah it technically is**

Their friendship of course started awkward, having some uncomfortable silences and so on, but when Connor would start cracking jokes-- mostly self deprecating humour since those were really his (and Evans) favourite --the tension would just disappear. He would only crack a few smiles here and there and let out breaths as if he was laughing, but never actually laugh.

It changes in one of those afternoon in the orchard. It was their favorite place to hang out, especially during the weekend, where they could take time to act as if they had no care in the world, no worry, no nothing. No parents that could do better for them, no anxieties about their future. They were sitting under their favorite tree-- Connor also carved it with their initials which almost gave Evan a stroke, both because only couples do that[sue him he is so gay for Connor] and because he hurt a fucking tree(which was the first time Connor heard Evan swear, which made him sputter and blush) talking about nothing until Connor came up with a horrible pun. It was such a shocking and horrible pun that Evan snorted and just started giggle, for a moment forgetting about his self consciousness. When he stopped laughing he paled and then looked nervously at Connor, because maybe Connor also think that his laugh is horrible and that means that he will have to stop being so open and please God no-

But Connor just cracked a smile and said _Your laugh is cute._ with his face red and eyes crinkling at the corners and that was the final push to make Evan realize something.

He had feelings for fucking _Connor Murphy_.


	2. Appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AaaaaaaAAAAAAA HELLO  
> TWO MONTHS  
> IM SO SORRY  
> ASKLDALSKDA  
> READ END NOTES
> 
> ENJOY!!!

What was there on the list as well? Ah yes, his face. His body could be there instead as his face is technically part of his body and it would be stupid if all of a sudden he had another point on that list with his body cause you know it’s just-

Yeah.

His body.

He feels very awkward all of the time, not knowing what to do with his hands and even his shoulders! Should he stay hunched? No that’s rude. So should he stay straight where his shoulders are more... straight? He only can do it half for _some_ reasons(he is bi, take a guess), but really he just doesn’t know.

His face is also very… messy. He doesn’t like his freckles that are dotted all over his face(and body) even though he has heard multiple people talk about how _they_ wished they had freckles. And his eyes. They are just a dull green that reminds him of his _dad_. _He_ also had green eyes and every time he looked into the mirror he remembers when _he_ would look down at him disappointed in something he had just done, or whenever he would ramble about trees, and you know everything was fine! He totally wasn’t terrified by _him_ at all, _him_ being so big and intimidating; _he_ was his dad! He shouldn't be! He can’t be! _He_ was his dad after all-

Yeah. Again.

His appearance.

And somehow Connor made him feel better. Of course, Evan still thought that he was ugly, especially with his still decreasing self-esteem, but Connor actually _tried_ to make him feel better. Which was very sweet of him and Evan still couldn’t understand why he cared at all but- they are friends. And that’s what friends are supposed to act like. Right? That was a thing he always questioned, especially due to the fact that they acted more... close than normal friendships. Then his mother's words came into his mind.

_Boys should be allowed to be just as affectionate towards other boys just like girls are towards their own girl friends! If you want to hug your friend you should do that! Don’t listen to mean boys and do whatever your heart tells you!_

He didn’t think he remembered it correctly but he understood what she meant at least. So he started doing that. Being more affectionate when he started feeling more comfortable. He would ask for Connors' hand at first- Connor would raise his eyebrow at him but still give in to his request- and play with it, of course looking at Connor as often as possible without making it awkward. Connor at first flinched but with time and more times this happened, he started relaxing more and more. Soon this would be a thing that Connor would ask for whenever he was feeling out of it or feeling the urge to smoke or even punch something. Evan was really proud that he could help him like this, as this thing also helped Evan calm down.

Back to the main thing.

About two months into their friendships, after they have let out their thoughts about pretty much everything and their pain to one another, they started talking about their future. About what they would like to do, where and how, and with who. _If I’m still alive by then._ Connor would sometimes say after he would share his dreams. Evan would frown at that but he wouldn't judge or comment, as he knows the feeling all too well.

One day when they were talking about this again under their favourite tree, Connor was staring at him, and all of a sudden just blurted this out.

“You’re really fucking cute, what the fuck.”

Connor snapped his mouth shut, his eyes widening and his face paling. This also happened to Evan, but his face turned red instead, who then averted his gaze away from him, fiddling with his shirt.

“I-I uh- oh um, t-thanks. You- uh, you also- also a-are uh, cute. L-like really cute- oh oh no uh I-I’m sorry if that’s weird? Haha, it’s just that I guess I kinda think you are also cute haha, wow I literally r-repeated what I just-just said oh my God-” he then cleared his throat and awkwardly laughed. He turned his head towards Connor but any more words he had to say died in his throat.

Connor was staring at him, his face very red, and his mismatched eyes crinkling at the corners with a small smile on his face. _Oh my God._ Evan could feel his heart race and palms sweat. He rubbed his hands on his thighs, and quickly looked away, feeling his face burn even more.

“Well, isn’t that something, Evangreen.” Connor said. It wasn’t mocking. Maybe there was some disbelief in his voice, but it was mostly warm even if he was smirking now. _Huh_. Evan smiled back, starting to laugh.

After that, they ended up complimenting each other more. Evan would tell Connor that he looks better, Connor would compliment him on his clothing, and so on. This has helped them both in the long run, as whenever Connor would show his art to his teacher in Art class he wouldn’t talk it down like he usually would. He would nod and listen to the teacher's compliments and criticism, only talking whenever he had to add something; and with Evan, it also helped with his anxiety. He would be more daring when talking back to Jared, actually tell his mother what bothered him and so on. Of course, they still have their issues but they are trying.

Evan still thinks he’s ugly, but he is trying to see how “handsome” and “cute” he is. He does trust Connor and his judgement after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God guys I am so sorry this took so long. If you check out my accoount you can see I have shit ton of other fanfics(lke uh 4 or 3 but still asdfg and i still have more ideas) and also school has been so stressful, and life has been harsh lately. I do hope that everyone has been ok! Im sorry if the writing style is hugely different, as I think I improved a bit. Just a tad bit.  
> And I tried to make this as fluffy as possible and go into the romance between the two of them but I just did this. I guess. ALSO DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR WHAT THERE CAN BE ON THIS LIST. I literally have no idea dsafghf  
> Hope you guys enjoyed it at least adsfgh
> 
> Have a great day/evening! (or night bc yall stay awake during the NIGHT)


	3. Personality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _sweating_ check end notes y'all
> 
> Enjoy!

If you would ask Evan what other things he hates about himself… his personality would be one of those things.

He always had problems with “putting his personality down” so to speak. When he tried summarise it one day during the summer he got about 20% tree facts, 5% global warming facts(because the environment is very Important and we will die soo- Jared this is Not Funny!), 65% anxiety and the other 10% his Raging Bisexuality(which he recently found out about so that says a lot).

And so Evan has never thought of himself as an interesting person-- Weird? Yes. But interesting? Never-- and has always categorized himself as boring. Jared telling him constantly that he, in fact, is _very boring_ didn’t help either. But what could he do about that now?

He had a dry sense of humor, preferring sarcasm over anything else and… puns; he didn’t find many things funny and honestly, he was just… bland. His anxiety took up most of the time he could’ve developed his personality(remember… 65%) and when he would start thinking about that he would start blaming himself and how if he was different and not like this everything would've been so much better and your mom wouldn't have had to deal with your shit and all the money she spends on you, and oh my god my dad was righ-

Haha, yeah.

And Connor made him feel not-so-boring-as-Jared-made-him-feel so, that was good?

Evan feels as if Connor doesn’t have a solid base for personality either. I mean, who would laugh to the point of tears at his shitty jokes and quips? Who would find tree facts- tree facts!- interesting the way he did? Maybe people specializing themselves in this subject but he is a teenager! A teenager for damn's sake-

And so Evan continued making jokes. Making sarcastic remarks. Telling him facts he recently learned or he has known for years already. It was nice, to have someone actually want to hang out with him for himself and not for car insurance like someone else he knows.

_You know what vine describes you best?_ Connor would ask Evan once when they were under their favorite tree in the Orchard. It was a nice summer day- the summer they started hanging out- before their sophomore year.

_No… which one?_ Evan would shoot back at him.

Connor would look over the field, smirking. _The Chris Pine one._

After Connor would snort at that Evan would say: _Well, that was a tree-t._ And Evan would hide his smirk behind his palm. After taking several moments to understand the joke Connor would Gasp dramatically and let out a burst of laughter that was melodic to Evan’s ears. He would fall into Evan, burying his face in his shoulder, and still laugh at that shitty pun. Evans chest would feel warm and constrict, but that is something that only Evan needs to know.

So, he might be boring and not have an Iconic personality, but as long as some people didn’t find him boring then it was fine. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy  
> FUCK  
> I updated last in??? October??? im fuckinga fslihjkk dissapointed in myself.
> 
> Hope this chapter was nice! I feel as if my writing style,,, has improved a lil so- what do yall think? Did yall think it was nice? Bad? Do tell me abt it!
> 
> I finally got myself to update this! I felt like I couldn't write actual fanfiction TM in the past months(not including group chat fics bc those are running through my veins) BUT. I literally got myself to write this in like an hour or half an hour lmaooo what is UP @ my brain.  
> Hope y'all are doing fine^^
> 
> Have a great day/evening! And night!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed!! Any criticism? Anything you like? hit me right up with it with a comment if you would like! And kudos are also very appreciated! Love you guys!  
> Also! Hit me with a message if u would like to talk about this fic and what ive got planned at @biancas-koala on Tumblr! though im not there a lot lmao
> 
> Have a nice day/evening!


End file.
